Thursday, May 17, 2012

Deep in the Fart of Texas

I won't make a stupid dick joke. I won't make a stupid dick joke. I won't make a stupid dick joke.

OK, now that I have that out of the way, I have to inform you that the size of food is getting out of hand, especially in Texas, and of course since it's Texas I can't say they should know better. But if you go to a Texas Ranger's game, which is well worth doing since their team is very very good, you can purchase either a Boomstick or a Bratbino, each two-feet long and a pound of meat, the former a hotdog, the latter a brat.

People, we aren't supposed to eat that much. Evidently the Rangers' food service Delaware North Companies (who are all over--they run the concessions in Yosemite, for instance) says the sausage serves four, but who the heck wants three other mouths on his wiener? (Excuse me, I have to go read my opening again.) Seriously, this is just a road map to a mess at the ballpark, especially when that Bratbino comes standard with sauerkraut but can be topped with chili, nacho cheese, grilled onions, and jalapenos. After all, this is Texas, so you need to Mex-up your German food, even if "nacho cheese" just means "yellow not found in nature cheese-esque glop."

There better be a concession that sells Tums the size of Stetsons.

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